This may be the most awkward time of year. Everything is about looking back at the past year and making plans for the next. I’ve participated in the reminiscing just as much, if not more, than the resolutions. But let’s be honest here: putting up a new calendar doesn’t make the memories and struggles from last year any less relevant.
From where I sit right now, the only thing I want to tell 2011 is, “Don’t let the doorknob hit ya where the Good Lord split ya.” Nothing about this year has gone the way I had planned, and I continue to search for the purpose in it. Surely in 20 years it’ll all make sense, but that isn’t so comforting at the moment. You know that part of Diary of a Mad Black Woman where Helen says, “I’m not bitter… I’m mad as hell”? Yeah, I get that.
I’m mad that life isn’t easy and perfect. I’m mad that I’m not the one in control. I’m mad that my attempts to be in control prove how incapable I really am when I go it alone. I’m mad that it has to hurt so much when I’m stretched beyond my puny boundaries of faith. I’m mad because my faith wasn’t nearly as strong as I thought it was. I’m mad that I can’t be let in on the master plan, because it’d be nice to know what this is going towards. I’m mad because I don’t really have it all that bad when you think of what others are going through, and yet I’m still behaving like a spoiled brat.
Sure, fine, it hasn’t all been bad. I ate beignets.
I graduated from college.
I became an aunt again when my BFF had her second (super adorable) baby.
I’ve gotten to stay involved in my favorite girl-children’s lives.
I’m mostly broke, but that’s okay because I don’t have any major living expenses.
I semi-fulfilled one out of three New Year’s Resolutions when I vowed not to watch any more movies, but only because I was broke and didn’t have much money to see movies in theatres.
Oh, yeah, I got another tattoo. But more on that in a bit.
I know that 2012 is going to be different than 2011, because it has to be; no two years pass in the same manner. But this year, I’m going to think in Get-Tos, New Life Ranch Style.
I get to start a new job at Anthropologie. (Holler.)
I get to have an internship that I actually really enjoy.
I get to sub more, and I get to hope that it will be fun.
I get to finish applying to grad school. I get to trust God to provide acceptance and financial aid at the right one.
I get to move out of state and start an adventure on my own.
Most of all,
I get to remember that I have been set free from my old life, set free from my the mistakes of my yesterdays, and have been given an everlasting love that will see me through all my days. It’s all I need, and it’s all I can depend on. Anytime I forget, I have a sweet chubby symbol of it peeking out from my arm.
In truth and honesty through the good and the bad,