I always swore that I would never start watching Glee. I did a pretty good job of avoiding it, despite the immense peer pressure. But when I moved back home and had access to my brother’s Netflix account…it just happened. Whoops. It has infiltrated my very pores, and clearly provided the inspiration for this post’s title.
(PS- Glee and video are totally irrelevant to what comes next.)
(PPS- As soon as I posted this, and got 8 immediate hits, I realized how vulnerable I was while writing this… So… be kind?)
I have recently decided to leave my internship with Campus Crusade for Christ. Back in April when I had made the decision to join the team at the University of Arkansas, I was confident in my calling. Making the choice to intern and then following through with it and beginning the support raising process has been an incredibly refining time in my life. I have learned so much about so much: about God, about life, and about myself.
I’ll be the first to tell you that my life hasn’t been all sunshine and puppy dogs over the last few months. The hardest part about this whole thing has been learning the truth about myself. I was my own biggest obstacle in the way to raising my support. I held myself back; I never gave 100% of my time and energy into seeing it through. I let my fears eclipse my reality until it all felt so big that I felt paralyzed. I look back on my 9ish weeks of support raising, and know that I could have done more, especially there at the end. I simply gave up. My logical brain, while sometimes a gift, was my downfall this time. I looked at the situation objectively and proved to myself that it would be impossible to even reach the 20% point. I’m ashamed of my reaction. When it got hard, I stopped trying. I stopped listening to all my encouraging friends. I behaved selfishly. I behaved faithlessly. Where was my reliance upon the Lord? Where was my trust in his provision? What was so wrong with me that I couldn’t be the perfect little Christian, wholly centered on him to the exclusion of the circumstances? I had failed at something…Something big.
You know the standard interview question about strengths and weaknesses? I never used to be very good at coming up with my weaknesses. I never wanted to see them. The past month has shown me a whole new side of myself, a side that I never wanted to confront before… lazy, selfish, weak, imperfect, scummy. Sinful.
“Men are rats. Listen to me, they’re fleas on rats. Worse than that, they’re amoebas on fleas on rats. I mean, they’re too low for even the dogs to bite. The only man a girl can depend on is her daddy.” (Grease)
But guess what else I learned? I’m the daughter of the King of Kings, and I am dearly loved just as I am. My successes and failures do not define me. They shape and mold me, hopefully into someone who resembles Him a little bit more each day, but they will never be the basis of His love.
With the realization of this, coupled with many weeks of seeking the Lord’s will, I feel confident in ending my internship. Something I never would have expected back in April, but this has been part of His plan all along; God doesn’t make back up plans. I cannot adequately explain the peace I feel, the faith and hope I’ve found in His plan for my next step. I know I am just where I need to be, just as I have been for the past several months. It’s an unexpected twist to my postgrad story, but I am so excited about what is to come.
“The LORD makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with his hand.” (Psalm 37:23-24)